My Natural Hair Journey, Chapter 14: Thou Shalt Not Covet Thy Neighbor’s Hair

It’s  been a minute since I’ve written about my hair’s progress.   That’s probably a good thing in that it has allowed me to write more about things that are more about life purpose and plans.   Indeed, this “chapter” was more of a struggle because I feel as if I’m floundering in the middle of somewhere, with no real point of closure that would normally tie my post into a neat little package.   That said, consider yourself warned of the rambling that might follow.

I sometimes wonder if all of the hype around transitioning and natural hair leads women to make way more out of it than there actually is.   The answer to that question is probably yes, and that we, African-American women who make up less than 15% of the population but purchase 80% of hair products, have been bamboozled into spending  a ton of money for what could be summarized to a simple ‘eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep’ program.  Don’t all good life/ health initiatives begin with water, fruit, veggies, and exercise?   I don’t remember much about my natural hair as a pre-teen, but I do remember doing simple items to make it grow: “oiling” my scalp (moisturizing it with a petrolatum-based salve), washing it, braiding it, and leaving it alone.   I’m not so sure that those rules have changed, although the wealth of internet wisdom (assuming that it is indeed wisdom) has increased exponentially.

Within the last month, I’ve found myself between the mythical Scylla and Charybdis—a rock and a hard place, if you will.   Just when I thought I had “arrived” in terms of my personal hair care knowledge and application, the weather changed.    So did my hair, and what worked with the cooler months blowing through my tresses isn’t producing the same result as we enter into an already hot spring.    As if the warmer days weren’t enough, I also had my once-per-quarter hair cut once again earlier in March.    If I had the guts, I’d go ahead and chop off the remaining perm and move on with my life.   Yet at this point, I’m still thinking in terms of an 18-month transition, which would give me about 3 more months of 2-textured hair.   We’ll see.

Even though I’m not all natural—technically speaking, with the majority of my hair in its natural state, I get to see exactly what I do have, as well as what I’m lacking.   That is the root of the love-hate relationship, when you’ve watched months of You-Tube vloggers, read numerous blogs, joined all the hair communities, and have patiently awaited the day when you’ll be able to do [insert your style here], only to realize that, short of divine intervention, your hair will probably never do that.    Personally, I fell hook, line, and sinker into an assumption that once my hair was natural, it’d be thick.   I looked forward to these fat 2-stranded twists that would allow me to protect my hair from everyday maintenance, but still look conservative enough that I could wear them anywhere, without feeling the need to “take my hair down” and put it back in twists/braids at night.   One problem: though my hair isn’t thin, I have these fine thread-like strands that simply don’t translate into thick twists.   This past summer, I was so excited as the natural hair grew and I had these medium-length braids that weren’t completely natural, but they were the shape of things to come—so I thought.

Yet, as the permed hair was cut, and my shorter, curlier hair remained, my twists look more like this:

(Perhaps with the fuzziness, I can deny that it’s me at some later date–ha ha!)

YIKES!   Most people who encounter me face-to-face would only see this if I took off my cap, which is now a permanent spring/ summer accessory while I figure out what I want to do.    Generally, around the house, I wear these twists or a flat twist.    I still look much like my profile picture in public, but my indoor look probably isn’t very fair to my husband when he’s in town.   To say the least, there’s nothing about my twisted hair tucked under a cap or scarf that is bedtime-sexy.

The news is not all bad by any means.   The back of my hair is now totally natural, and growing like wild corn, as my FIL says.   In fact, all that is partially permed at this point is the crown area of my hair.   This was the back of my hair in November of 2011, when only the bottom 1/3 of it was perm-free:

This is the same section of hair as of March 2012, now completely perm-free:

Reality ^#2: my hair has low porosity.   Simply put, it does not soak in or retain moisture well.    So, I am educating myself in how to seal in moisture as best I can without loading my hair down with a wealth of products.    My vocabulary is expanding with terms like ‘humectant,’ ‘glycerin,’ and ‘ cuticle .’

There are great articles out there regarding hair type and texture.    I am sharing a couple that have been particularly helpful to me and my hair here and here.   In the meantime, I’ve changed my regimen significantly from the chapter in which I talked about the cost of natural products.   A part of that change was to take advantage of local suppliers who sell great products without me having to incur shipping costs.  I made my first trip to the hair and body section of the Whole Foods Market, and loved it—so many testers available.   I was trying to figure out if it’d be too “country” to walk in there with damp hair and try a few things!!  (Just kidding    )   As I write in fact, we’re on the road to Oklahoma, and I intend to stop by a Dallas area beauty supply store for a new favorite product, Curl Junkie’s Aloe Fix Hair Styling Gel.    The product is heavy, so I only need a dabble.   Yet, it softens my hair and naturally stretches my curl pattern, giving me a lengthier look and getting me away from the afro.   As the heat progresses, it will keep humidity from drawing my hair further into an afro and perhaps even allow me to pull it back by summer’s end.  The shot immediately above includes that particular styling product on my hair.   Here’s the rest of my product list and how I’m using them as of March 2012:

Weekly co-wash (washing with conditioner):  Oyin Handmade’s Honey Hemp Conditioner or Aubrey Organics Honeysuckle Rose Conditioner

Leave-In Conditioner: Garnier Fructis Sleek and Shine and/or Oyin Handmade’s Honey Hemp Conditioner

Moisture Sealant: a shea butter mixture that includes vegetable glycerin, honey, water, sweet almond oil, coconut oil lavender oil, and aloe vera gel

Monthly deep conditioner:  a homemade mixture of avocado, almond/coconut  milk, honey, water, olive oil

Intermittently through the week for dryness prevention:  coconut oil or grapeseed oil

I also continue to drink a lot of water, drink my veggies (green smoothies are the best!) and eat my fruits and salads, and eat with both fun and function in mind.

With my cap in tow, I continue to learn, to grow, and to learn to be happy with me.

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.  Psalms 139:14.

Many of God’s richest blessings to you, friends.

My Natural Hair Journey, Chapter Twelve: Must I Have His Permission?

“Should I ask his permission?”   

This was a great discussion on one of the hair boards recently, with some surprising opinions.   Of course, I had way more to say than I had time or room to type at that moment, but the topic intrigued me enough to post about it later as my own natural hair entry.   I think that a number of women find themselves at this place when making any major physical change, but I’ll try and focus.

Permission:  1) approval to do something. 2) the act of giving formal authorization.   

I think any woman who considers herself an adult–a “grown” woman, as my mother would have said–struggles with the idea of having to ask a husband for his approval.   Permission is one of those words like submission, which the Bible speaks to in Ephesians 5:22-24.   We equate these words with being a child, with being less than, with being the low man, err, woman, on the totem pole.     Yet, as distasteful as the thought might be for some, leaving our permed tresses and embracing our curly, kinky, and even sometimes nappy locks does create a major change to our physical appearance.    It also becomes a potential statement regarding our sense of self and our defiance of an imposed standard of beauty.    If only for these reasons, it is a decision worth discussing before you make it, and worth having some support before you proceed.

I was blessed in that my husband was very supportive of the decision to leave perms behind.    As I’ve shared before, after 2 years of deliberation, the movie “Good Hair” gave me the final motivation that I needed to get off the proverbial dime.    My husband has shared on more than one occasion that watching what sodium hydroxide, the primary chemical in perms, did to a metal soda can over time was a strong enough visual for him to be fully on board with me stopping the bi-monthly trips to the salon.  

courtesy of www.stevespanglerscience.com

Years ago, I wrote a post about homeschooling when your husband does not agree, and I talked about the spiritual and natural value of alignment.   The parallels between homeschooling and transitioning to natural hair are  amazingly alike: both are deviations from the norm, although this article points out that as many as 36% of African-American women are now saying that they use no chemicals to relax or straighten their hair.  However, I think similar thoughts on how you might “bring him over to your side” might apply. 

1) Don’t just throw out information; have a discussion.   Of course, explaining to him why you want to go natural implies that you know yourself.   Why do you want to go natural?    Is it just the latest trend that you want to follow?    Will he have to listen to you complain daily 3 months from now when it takes you hours to get a comb through your wet hair?  (smile)   Personally, the transition of my hair followed a number of transitions in my health, from the changes in foods to the changes in exercise habits.   With that in mind, I walked into the transition, with all its associated trials and triumphs, never looking back.    I said that to say that if you don’t have a compelling reason to change your hair this drastically, the decision might not be worth the costs to your relationship.

2) Understand the nature of his true concern.   Why is he averse to your proposed change?    Could it be as simple as a difference of vision?   I talk about this in discussing differences in homeschooling readiness, and how at times, we have to listen to hear what’s behind the word “no.”   Perhaps in transitioning, you see yourself looking like this:

courtesy of http://naturallyleslie.blogspot.com

 

or this:

 

 

courtesy of naturalsunshine.ning.com/asien

 

But perhaps he’s thinking he’ll have to hold hands with this: 

 

courtesy of noisecollective.com

 

 

Don’t get me wrong.   I love jazz artist Esparanza Spalding (featured in the last picture), and I applaud  her obvious self-confidence and high self esteem.   But, she is a child–only three years older than my oldest daughter.  With youth on her side and an occupation that applauds uniqueness and individuality, she can wear her hair any way she wants.   Most of us don’t have those options when we are deciding upon natural hairstyles.

 

The point is, once you truly understand his concerns, perhaps you can speak to that concern with wisdom and empathy.   You can also incorporate his vision into your plans.   As one example, I know several men, including my own husband, who enjoy long hair.  As a friend of ours told his wife, “Long hair is what you got me with; long hair is what it will take to keep me.”   Length is an issue worth a whole post on its own, especially in our community, so I’ll won’t speak about it just now.   I am happy to report, however, that our friend did later cut off her hair, with her husband’s consent; as far as I can see, they are still very happy together.   Length, and my husband’s concern about length, is one of several reasons that I chose a slow transition over a big chop at an earlier point of new hair growth.

 

Here’s an additional, albeit disturbing reality: men measure other men, in part, by the woman on their arms.   I’m convinced that’s why we see men with celebrity status and celebrity money date and marry women who, even to the most untrained eye, look like golddiggers.   Think about it.   When someone asks us to introduce ourselves, we generally begin to talk about family–husband, children, home, etc., those things that give us as women a sense of value and importance.   A man in the same situation will begin to discuss the things that make him feel important: his job, his home, his family.   As hard a pill as this might be to swallow, we want to be on the right side of his picture of success.   If you disagree, try reading Willard Farley’s His Needs, Her Needs.   We really do have two totally separate sets of needs to make us feel good about being in a relationship. 

 

3) Style shop together.   There are so many women making this change now until images of the possibilities of natural hair are everywhere.   You cannot watch television commercials without seeing a sister who has said no to a few perms; the internet is so chock full of images until the real question becomes how might you flaunt every style you enjoy into something that might work for your face and lifestyle.   I often ask my husband, and even our son (to help him appreciate natural hair–a post for another time), “What do you think of her hair?”   In that way, the new Belinda becomes a team project, and everyone’s happy.

 

4) Pray and use wisdom.   My experience with praying for my husband’s mind on a certain subject is that God changes perspective–mine.    If your husband has drawn his proverbial line in the sand, it might be the conversation that you don’t have with him, but instead have with the Lord, that brings him around.   And for sure, there are valid reasons to become chemical-free.   Short-term and long-term health, self-love, and avoiding salon expense are just a few of the reasons that can help a family, even if your husband doesn’t see those factors yet.   But, natural hair isn’t for everyone.   Dependent upon how you transition, the expense of a salon can easily be replaced or expanded by the expense of weaves, wigs, etc.    It takes time and research.   It takes patience.   And some sort of support, be it spousal or otherwise, can be a tremendous asset.

 

 

Whether you refer to it as permission, submission, discussion, or a joint decision, yes, you owe it to the man you stood before God and promised to love through better and worse to try and ellicit support in your decision.   He owes it to you to discuss his desire to grow a beard, or dye his gray, or shave his head.   Why?   Because before the Bible launches into a woman’s need to submit, Ephesians 5: 21 says that we are to ‘submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. ‘  We represent the kingdom when we operate as a family in this way.   We honor who God is in our marriage, and He, in turn, honors our obedience.

 

 

Before you step out alone, be sure that you really want to step at all.   And if he’s not on board, it’s worth it to have the right prayer cover and discussion–with self and otherwise–to bring him on board.   Who knows what other lines of communication the afore-mentioned steps can open up?   May God bless you.

My Natural Hair Journey, Chapter 11: 12 Months in Pictures

Posting this entry makes me realize how very fast this year has flown by.   It also is a stark reminder of how few pictures I took of myself before my natural hair journey began.    My six months in transition pictures, posted here, continues to be one of my most popular posts.  So with a year now under my proverbial belt, I thought it was time for more pictures.

This was where it all started last year, with me getting what would be my last perm right before our visit to snow-laden Georgia for Christmas.

For sure, I’ve had some hits, like this late spring night when I celebrated with my daughter her science award,

or this day, when I was just feeling plain  sassy (smile).

Then, there are the misses, like when I wanted to experience the freedom of natural hair all too soon at the beach,

or the many days when I was just lacking in my mastery of technique.

As points of comparison, this is my braid-out in January, one month after my last relaxer (so you are looking at over 90% permed hair),

and then in October (looking at about 50% permed hair).

The braid-out is not my favorite look on me, although it is far less work than a twist-out.   However, at least for right now, I prefer more curls.

Curls mean that my hair looks shorter, and that, combined with the fact that type 4 hair can shrink up to 75% of its full length, means that as my natural hair grows in, it actually looks  shorter…and shorter.    That is perhaps my biggest adjustment at this season of the transition: knowing that each time I cut out more of the perm, I’m growing more of a bobbed look and losing the shoulder-length flexibility I enjoyed for many, many years.   I call it an “unintentional style change.”   LOL!!!

In any case, here is the “before” look,

and the “after”–right before my next cut this week.

For sure, I won’t post as many “chapters” of my hair journey in 2012.   Much of the transition at this point is a waiting game, although I do have some other thoughts in mind.  Also, picture after picture of my hair and face almost seems self-aggrandizing, and I’ve prayed that this transition will never become an idol.   I still laugh that the posts of my natural hair journey are the most searched posts on my blog.   Well, if God gets the glory, so be it.    Many blessings to you, however you got here.

My Natural Hair Journey, Chapter 9: The Tortoise or the Hair

(Yes, I know the story is exactly about a “hare,” but cut a lady a small break, alright?)  

 

I wonder at times if I spend too much time talking and writing about my hair journey. I pray constantly that it not become an idol. One of my sisters noted that, from her point of view, “Every time I look on Facebook, I see something about your hair!” Yet, the hair journal posts continue to be my most popular entries, drawing more searches than anything I write about homeschooling, family, or faith. Candidly, I’m not sure how to feel about that. More recently, another friend wrote me a letter saying that I’d been very quiet about my hair journey as of late. So I suppose I’ll stay with my monthly “chapter,” and pray that my thoughts will continue to bless and encourage readers. Sorry, sis.

Having said that, there are times when I look at ladies who are much farther down the natural hair path than I am, and I get envious.

There are times when I wash my hair, feel the newly-natural area toward the nape of my neck, and I love the softness, the curls, and the easy comb-through after I wash it.

There are times when I think, “I’m ready to be done with this transition thing. I should just BC and be done with it.

“BC” is an abbreviation common to any natural hair community; the actual term is big chop, or rather, the point at which you cut off the permed hair and essentially start over with an almost naked head of virgin hair. Dependent upon when you decide to cut and how much hair you are losing, “big” can be an understatement. Of course, if I stay with my current thinking, my big chop will actually be one final trim after a series of trims that gradually take off one inch or so at a time.

But I must admit that I get tired at times—tired of the line of demarcation that I spoke of in chapter 7 and the associated detangling at that place, tired of feeling the thin, permed hair at the ends, and more so, what that old hair now represents in terms of my own thinking about beauty and about self. I often think about all of my Bridges’ training on change management during my corporate days. One of the quickest ways to move into the new state of being, according to Bridges’ model, is to reward the new behavior and symbolically bury the old. If I follow suit, I would go ahead and get it over with: just cut off my permed hair and move forward. I have enough hair to do this now without resembling my husband’s college cut fade (smile).

So, I’ve been experimenting with various protective styles and paying special attention to the section of my hair that is now completely natural. For the 1^st time, I tried a flat twist–WORLDS of curls here, making my hair look even shorter than it normally would.

I wanted an ultra-conservative look for my 1^st night back teaching on a brick-and-mortar campus, so I wore a headband to tie up my curls.

I realized at this point that I am sooooo not ready for short hair. I’m simply not adjusting well to having no hair on my neck. Funny, I wore my hair on campus in this style for two weeks, allowing the curls to gradually loosen. By week two, I looked like former NBA star Ben Wallace.

Source: http://celebrityethnicity.blogspot.com/2011/02/ben-wallace-ethnicity.html

One of my students, a hairstylist, came to me and said softly, “I do natural hair, too.” Of course, she could have meant this in a completely different way than I took it, but later I laughed out loud—a point of victory for me over what might have been a sensitive moment at another time in my life. I was looking like one hot mess and she had every right to let me know she could help; I’m definitely a work-in-process, and hopefully becoming a work-in-progress.

I could cut out the perm; as others would say, “It’s only hair.” I’m not so sure. For me, it’s also about a life mission and ministry. As my friend Keri Mae penned so eloquently when discussing her dilemma of whether or not to dye her gray(incidentally, this is her most popular post–ha ha!), hair is about perception and reception. And when your heart is to show Christ in shoe leather, you don’t dare take lightly any change that might hinder your opportunity to ‘let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father which is in heaven’  (Matthew 5:16).

So, when is the right time to complete the big chop? When I’m good and ready, but not right now.  My next trim would be in two weeks, but I’m going to slow down and see what my hair does between now and the year’s end.   Most importantly, I am going to stay slow and steady like the tortoise, and win my race.   Be blessed, my friends.

 

P.S. After seeing the back of my hair, the Belizean beauty Caula wrote, “Nice definition–have you cut it again?”   Oi.